Harry Potter and the year of the Deity
by Justagirlcalledbob
Summary: AU of fifth year. Ignores OoTP, HBP, and DH. It's fifth year, and Hogwarts is in for more then it can handle, when three bizarre individuals take on the DADA job. OCs within, Ron and Hermione bashing.
1. Chapter 1: Enter the Idiots

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Albus Dumbledore, And Original Characters.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Again, if you're so inclined, I just put up a picture of Malachi, Lazarus, and Bree together on my Deviantart Acc. You can get there from my profile.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

All was quiet within Hogwarts' darkened halls. Almost all of its inhabitants lay asleep in their beds, adrift in the sea of dreams. It was a normal night.

But it would not stay that way for long.

An unnatural wind picked up in the Great hall, as a silver stream of energy began to converse, swirling round and round to form a crystalline portal, like a silver snowflake within the air, superimposed upon millions of other silver snowflakes.

There was a loud crack, like the scream of thunder, and three figures dove out of the portal. The crystallized portal dissipated, and the three strangers were left within the suffocating silence of the Great hall.

The two taller figures looked to each other, while the shortest, a female, endeavored to catch her breath.

"Well. That was fun and new." Said the man on the left, in a dry, yet amused tone. The man on the right snickered like an idiot, grinning unashamedly.

"Agghhh... my god. I'm killing the both of you as soon as I can breath normally." Groaned the girl, and the two men laughed nervously.

"Eh…heh…heh…Um…No need to get worked up, Bree…?" The man on the left tittered nervously, grinning off-handedly.

Bree stared at him.

"Shut up Malachi. You too, Lazarus." She said blankly. Malachi flinched, and Lazarus only laughed harder.

"Right, where exactly are we?" Lazarus proclaimed, clapping his hands with an exaggerated flourish.

"Fuck if I know." Malachi said cheerfully, dusting himself off, and helping Bree up.

Bree grunted in reply, wandering around, climbing on the tables and examining every nook and cranny. She paused, looking up.

"Hey. Why's there no ceiling?" She asked, pointing up. Malachi and Lazarus followed her finger with their eyes.

"Ooh…Stars." Lazarus said childishly.

"Shiny." Agreed Malachi.

"I quite agree." Came an old yet pleasant sounding voice. Lazarus let out a girlish sounding shriek, and let loose a powerful haymaker _right_ at the owner of the voice's face.

The person in question, was an old man who in the trio's eyes, resembled a skinny Santa who had just come back from Woodstock. Malachi pulled a scythe out of _NOWHERE,_ and Bree's ethereal eyes flooded with silver, and a heavy energy began to fill the air. The old man stared at them, with a wary expression.

"Might I ask who you three are? And what you plan to do with me?" The old man asked calmly. Bree, Malachi, and Lazarus stared at him.

"Huh?" was their oh-so-intelligent reply. The old man blinked.

"You're not Death Eaters?" He asked slowly. Malachi scratched his head.

"What's a Death Eater?" Malachi asked, clueless. The old man sighed.

"I am Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, the school you are currently in. Might I ask, yet again, who you are?" The old man, now identified as Albus Dumbledore asked dryly. Malachi pocketed his scythe, and Bree's eyes returned to their normal feral yellow-green. Lazarus promptly offered his hand, with a flourish, to Dumbledore.

"Lazarus Loki Holmes at your service, sir!" Lazarus practically _sang_, letting loose a charming grin. He promptly tumbled to the ground, with a pained yelp, as Bree abruptly introduced her elbow to the back of his neck.

"I'm Bree Anderson. The goofily grinning man next to me is my great-grandson, Malachi Emmerich." Bree said shortly. Malachi giggled childishly.

"And that's not totally warped, in a monkeyfuckbatshit insane kind of way." He drawled, earning a scowl from Bree, a giggle from Lazarus, and a very, very confused look from Dumbledore.

"Shut up, Mal." Bree ordered, smacking said man upside the head. Dumbledore blinked, and decided to comptemplate how insane this all sounded later.

"A pleasure to meet you all, I'm sure. How did the three of you get in here?" The elderly wizard asked kindly. The trio looked at each other.

"Global Warming." Offered Malachi.

"Portal." mumbled Bree.

"Portal Device." Lazarus corrected, with a blossoming smirk. Malachi immediately began to sing,

"This was a triumph... I'm making a note here, huge success...It's hard to overstate, my satisfaction!" Bree and Lazarus grinned, and chimed in,

"Apeture Science! We do what we must, because, we can. For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead..." The trio sang gleefully.

Dumbledore looked at the three like they were insane. Which, coincidently, they were.

"It's a song..From a thing.." Lazarus explained feebly, with a sheepish grin.

"Right..." Dumbledore said slowly.

"Ummmm. We fell through what I'm pretty sure was a one-way portal." Lazarus offered.

"I see...Are you stranded here, then?" Dumbledore asked politely, eyes begining to twinkle. Lazarus stared at the twinkling, looking a tad bit freaked out.

"Noooot...really? It'll take a bit, but I can get us back home. Bree's exhausted her deitical energy, anyways." Lazarus said slowly, a calculating look entering his emerald eyes. Dumbledore looked startled and confused at the mention of deitical energy.

"Well...It just so happens, we are in need of a teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts." Dumbledore said cheerfully.

The trio stared at him like he was on crack.

"What." was Bree's reply.

"Tha'fuck." Stated Lazarus.

"Imma church, Imma church, Imma church." Malachi blankly supplied. Bree and Lazarus ignored him, while Dumbledore discretely and quietly inched away from the obviously unstable man.

"Sneaky sneaky." Malachi mumbled.

"You are such a creeper." Bree told him firmly, twitching. Lazarus snickered, and turned to Dumbledore.

"Are you _really _sure you want us corrupting your students?" He asked cheekily, grinning. Dumbledore covered his smile with a hand, eyes twinkling.

"I'm sure they'll survive, Mister Holmes." Dumbledore replied, amused. Lazarus merely cackled in response.

* * *

Malachi is creepier then I remember him being in the original draft. WAY TO GO MALACHI! Bree is usually not so grumpy. And Lazarus is usually drunk. But in all, I'm pretty pleased. Expect a time skip in the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2: Meet the Staff

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters. Hogwarts staff.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

Bree Anderson sat down with a huff, upon the large, leather couch that dominated the common room of the Rooms that Dumbledore had gifted her and her compatriots with.

"This is a really, really, _really,_ bad idea." She said quietly, crossing her arms.

"Y'think I don't know that?" Lazarus snapped, pacing back and forth across the room. Malachi seated himself next to Bree, throwing a brotherly arm around her. She leaned back against him, with a thankful smile.

"That Dumbledore guy didn't offer us this job out of the goodness of his own god-damn heart! That much I know, the bastard's easier to read then he thinks..." Lazarus mutterered angrily, rubbing his forehead with one hand.

"Yeah. You may have strong empath abilities, but I'm a better Reader then you, and I got nothing. His mind's protected by a shield, I hope the rest of these so-called wizards aren't as closed off as him." Bree admitted softly, with a frown.

"He's old, too. If it wasn't for the magical energy within and around his body, the old man woulda been dead a long time ago. If I'm right, Dumbledore's gotta be at least a hundred and fifty." Malachi stated, his oddly colored eyes gleaming. Bree looked alarmed at this.

"A hundred and fifty? Jesus, he looks like he's in his 80s. These magic users...It just doesn't feel natural." She hissed, rubbing her shoulders, as if to ward away a chill. A sudden 'Pop!' made the three jump, and a bizzare, goblin-esqe creature appeared, with bright bulging eyes.

"What the everloving **_FUCK_** is that?" Lazarus yelped, jumping back, tripping over an ottoman, and tumbling out of side over the couch.

"Mimsy is so sorry sirs and lady! But Professor Dumblydores is asking Mimsy to take you to the Staff room for a meeting!" The creature squeaked.

"I vote Bree goes." Malachi said immediately.

"I second that." Lazarus chimed, from his position behind the other sofa. Bree scowled, and jabbed Malachi in the stomach with her elbow, causing him to yelp.

"Fuckers. Fine, Mimsy, take me away." She grouched, standing up, brushing herself off, and holding out a hand to Mimsy.

Mimsy's eyes watered. Bree looked confused.

"Misses Anderson is too kind! Treating Mimsy like an equal!" Mimsy squeaked, fidgeting, with tearful awe. Bree looked uncomfortable.

"Um..Sorry? Meeting?" She asked awkwardly. Mimsy flushed, and grabbed the blonde's hand. The two disappeared with a 'pop'.

"Yanno...I'm thinking we should have actually gone. Bree against old british teachers? That outta be one hell of a show." Malachi mumbled.

"Crap." Laz grimaced, poking his head over the sofa.

* * *

Bree blinked, as she found herself in front of a door, in an unfamiliar corridor.

"The staff room is right here, misses Anderson! They is waiting for you! And if you is be needing anything, call for Mimsy!" Mimsy squeaked, before disappearing with a 'pop'. Bree grimaced.

"Awesome." She muttered, steeling herself, and then pushing open the door. She blinked, as at least 9 different people stared back at her, not including Dumbledore, who smiled at her.

"Ah, miss Anderson! Will Mister Holmes and Mister Emmerich be joining us?" The jolly old wizard asked cheerfully. Bree shook her head, mute, and sat down at the only empty chair, which happened to be next to a giant of a man, with dark beady eyes, and lots of hair.

"My dear friends, may I introduce you to one of our three new additions, miss Bree Anderson!" Dumbledore announced theatrically, eyes all a-twinkle. Bree stared at him with incredulous eyes.

"And, what, pray tell, makes this..._girl_... qualified to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts?" drawled a silky voice, filled with disdain. Said girl bristled, and turned to face the owner of the voice.

"And, what, pray tell, gives you the god-damn-right to talk to me like that, fuckface?" She growled, glaring at the sallow skinned man and throwing his words back in his face. He flushed with anger, and glared right back, hackles rising.

"Insolent, little bi-" He began, and Bree jumped to her feet, shoving the chair back.

"Excuse me? Excuse _ME? _SAY IT TO MY FACE, YOU GREASY MOTHERFUCKER!" She bellowed, taking on an agressive stance.

"Severus! Bree! Please!" Dumbledore yelled, and the greasy man flushed, sitting back down. Bree huffed like an angry bull, and took a step back, leaning against a wall.

"I'll stand, thanks. Is this the general reaction Laz, Mal, and myself can expect? Disdain and arrogance?" She bit out venomously, glaring daggers at the man called Severus. Dumbledore sighed.

"I suggest we go around the table, and introduce ourselves. I am Albus Dumbledore, Headermaster." Albus suggested calmly, with a smile that said 'do-as-I-say-or-else'. The woman on Dumbledore's right cleared her throat, and looked to Bree.

"I am Minerva McGonagall, deputy Headmistress, and transfiguration teacher." She said stiffly.

"I am Filius Flitwick, Charms professor." A tiny man excitedly squeaked, practically bouncing.

"Rolanda Hooch, Flying instructor and Quidditch Referee." stated a grey haired woman, who resembled a Hawk.

"Poppy Pomfrey, School Nurse." murmured a kind looking woman, with grey-streaked blonde hair and brown eyes.

"Pomona Sprout, Herbology Professor." warmly offered a short, curvy woman with dirt and grass stains on her robes.

"Bathsheda Babbling, Runes Professor." said a intelligent-looking blonde woman, with glasses.

"Septima Vector, Arithmancy professor." chirped a slight, lithe black haired woman.

"Aurora Sinistra, Asronomy professor." stated a narrow faced woman, with weary eyes.

"Charity Burbage, Muggle Studies professor." chirped a blonde woman, with a friendly face.

"Rubeus Hargrid, Care of Magical Creatures Professor." The man beside Bree greeted warming, eyes crinkling as he smiled at her. Bree smiled back, unable to help herself.

"Severus Snape, Potions Professor." sneered the man called Severus. Bree resisted the urge to throw a chair at him, but just barely.

"Professor Trelawney and our caretaker Argus Filch were unable to attend this meeting, Miss Anderson. I believe it is your turn, now." Dumbledore said happily. Bree twitched, and let out a long suffering sigh.

"My name is Bree 'Zeus' Anderson. I'm married, and I was born in Boston, Massachusetts. My friends are Lazarus 'Loki' Holmes, and Malachi 'Osiris' Emmerich." The petite blonde said shortly, with a small frown. Many of the teachers looked shocked.

"You're married? You can't be a year over 17!" protested Professor Vector. Bree flicked a quill at her, annoyed.

"I'm 19, and I don't think that's any of your damn business, woman." She corrected irritably. Snape snorted.

"You are clearly too young to be able to teach Defense against the Dark Arts properly." He sneered with disdain. Bree flicked her wrist casually, and nearly nailed the unplesant man in the face with a large dagger.

"Another word out of you, douchebag, and the next one's going for your balls." She warned, with a unsettling grin. Snape stared at her, then at the dagger embedded in the stone wall.

"Oh...kay. Miss Anderson, do you or your friends require teaching material, or textbooks for your course?" Dumbledore coughed, apparently deciding to ignore the knife incident.

"Umm, ish. You guys got a library we can get at?" Bree mused uncertainly, tilting her head.

"Ish?" Wondered Professor Sprout, confused.

"Means 'kinda'." Bree told her.

"Of course, miss Anderson. If you like, I can show you and your friends tomorrow morning." Dumbledore suggested happily. Bree grunted, and shook her head.

"No, tonight would be better. We need to research your world, so we don't stick out like dumb fucktards." She said bluntly. McGonagall 'tsk'ed at her language, with a disapproving frown.

"Of course. Anything else?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

"We'll need money, and we'll need to go shopping for clothes, and other such things. Where are we, exactly?" Bree asked sharply, staring at Dumbledore.

"Scotland, my dear. I suppose you'll need to go to Muggle London and Diagon Alley, then? I will have Severus escort you, tomorrow at 10 o'clock am." Dumbledore said happily, and Bree bristled.

"Are you high? What the fuck man? Why the fuck-I mean, seriously! Dude!" Bree roared incoherantly and unhappily.

"Headmaster, I must protest!" Severus boomed, jumping to his feet. Dumbledore narrowed his eyes, and frowned at the two.

"My decision is final, Severus, Bree. Now, I believe this meeting can be adjourned." He ordered brusquely, standing, and leaving the room. Bree glowered after him, and stormed out, ignoring the astonished whispers of the other teachers. She was halfway down the hall when Madam Pompfrey caught up to her.

"Miss Anderson? " She asked, causing Bree to halt, and turn to face the nurse.

"Yeah?" She asked roughly, crossing her arms.

"Tomorrow, perhaps after your trip to London, could you and your friends come to the infirmary? It's standard procedure to evaluate new teachers with a physical." Madam Pompfrey offered kindly, with a reassuring smile. Bree lost her defensive air, and nodded silently. With a smile, the nurse bowed her head, and left the young American to her thoughts.

"This place is seriously fucked up." She murmured, trailing away.

* * *

**_LATER, IN THE LIBRARY..._**

**_

* * *

_**

"What the _FUCK _kind of place have we landed in?" Lazarus demanded at no one, throwing down a dusty copy of **'The truth about Muggles'**.

"Fuck me if I know, but we are seriously boned up the ass. This place is horrible!" Bree moaned, her head thunking down upon her copy of '**Dangerous Dark Lords and You.'**.

"Jesus Christ, are these wizards inbred." Malachi said randomly, from behind his copy of **'Powerful Pureblood Families.'** Bree blinked, lifting her head.

"Ew, are you serious?" She asked incredulously. Malachi nodded seriously at her.

"Yup. These purebloods have been intermarrying for centuries, supposedly to keep their bloodlines 'pure'." Malachi murmured absently, flipping a page. Lazarus looked ill.

"Oh my dear god, that is gross and wrong on so many levels. No wonder they're so retarded!" He yowled, flailing his hands in disgust. Bree laughed at him.

"Not to mention, they've got a Big Bad. Dude called Voldemort. Wants to kill all the 'muggles', or non magic people, the muggleborns, halfbloods, and squibs. Seems like a Magical version of Hitler." Bree added, surpressing her giggles, and taking on a solemn look. Malachi stiffened, and put down his book.

"This won't end well." Lazarus said quietly. Bree snorted, looking sideways at him.

"When does anything?"

* * *

Yay! Second Chapter! Next one includes a trip to Diagon Alley, encounters with random people, muggle london, and the medical exams! WEEE.

ARE Y'ALL EXCITED? ARE **_Y'ALL EXCITED?_**

Yeah, me neither.


	3. Chapter 3: Diagon Ally Dumbasses

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters. Severus Snape, Weasely twins.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

The relative quiet of the Great hall was broken quite abruptly, as Bree Anderson, Malachi Emmerich, and Lazarus Holmes promptly tumbled into the room, landing in a bizzare pile of crazy people.

"Getthafuckoffame!" Yowled Bree, flailing her arms, and squirming like mad.

"Nrrgle," gurgled Lazarus, knocked silly by one of Bree's flailing limbs.

"NWAH." spluttered an unfortunate Malachi, desperately squirming away from someone's foot in his face.

"What miniscule respect I may have had for you three is utterly diminished by this pathetic spectacle." drawled one Severus Snape.

"I hope you get sodomized by a ravenous, AIDS infested zombie-goat, ya cockswatter!" Bree spat back, wiggling free.

"That's a new one." Malachi noted, breaking free of the dazed Lazarus, and helping Bree to her feet. Bree hugged him in thanks, and went to poking Lazarus with a stick. Snape eyed Malachi with disdain.

"I am Severus Snape." The dour man said, by way of introduction. Malachi tilted his head, his bronze-colored hair falling askew. He stepped forward, and Snape took on a wary expression, as the Egyptian/German/Japanese man invaded his personal space, and seemingly gazed into Snape's very soul. Malachi tilted his head once more.

"So you are. Malachi Emmerich." the younger man said, with a vaguely happy tone. Snape stared at him.

"And the dazed doofus is Lazarus." Bree added absently, poking the twitching man in question.

"Geddafuckoffmebitch!" Lazarus brayed unhappily, flailing at Bree with maniac contempt. Bree whinnied in alarm, reeling back. Malachi giggled like a schoolgirl at them.

"If you three would cease your insane shenanigans, and take ahold of this book, we can be on our way." Snape snapped sourly. Lazarus wobbily got to his feet, and found himself invading Snape's personal space. The dour man stared at him, or more accurately, his eyes.

"You have Kedavra green eyes..." Snape said oddly.

"Excuse me ?" Lazarus demanded incredulously. "Cadaver green eyes? What the hell kind of cadavers have you seen that are green?"

"That," said Bree, "has got to be the stupidest thing I've heard you say today."

Lazarus promptly nailed her in the forehead with a marshmallow.

"The fuck-What- the hell-where did the marshmallow come from?" An outraged Bree demanded. Lazarus smirked at her.

"I carry a bag of marshmallows around just for the occasion." He said smugly. Bree looked like she was restraining the urge to hit him with the chair.

"Just another normal day, in our little slice of crazy." said Malachi lazily.

"Normal?" Bree shrieked indignantly.

"I am so mad at you right now," She said to Malachi, "that we are not friends for the next 5 minutes." Malachi gasped and pouted at her, offended.

"Fine, be that way!" He said petulantly, sticking out his tongue.

"Oh my god," Lazarus said suddenly, as if coming to realisation, "We should not be allowed to breed. I mean, seriously."

"TAKE AHOLD OF THE BLOODY BOOK ALREADY!" roared Snape, thrusting the book forward. The insane trio huffed at him in unison.

"You could have just asked..." Bree muttered, Lazarus and Malachi nodding in agreement. Snape looked murderous. The three grabbed ahold of the book, and the quartet disappeared.

* * *

Upon landing in Diagon Alley, three things happened.

One: Lazarus tumbled over backwards and through the window of a store.

Two: Bree fell ontop of a innocent passerby, with a undignified yelp.

Three: Snape stumbled, and Malachi landed nimbly in a bad ass-looking crouch.

"Oh-my-god-I-am-so-sorry-are-you-okay?" Bree babbled frantically, squirming off of the stunned tawny haired man she had inadvertently tackled.

"Ayaaaaaggh! I landed on something! Something squishy! **OH _MY GOD IT'S MOVING_****_! NOOOO! DON'T PUT THAT THERRREE! I DON'T PUT OUT ON THE FIRST DAAAAATE!_**" Lazarus' voice screamed, from inside the store, which was now revealed to be an Apothecary.

"What the fucking fuck just happened?" Malachi blurted at Snape, his sunset colored eyes wide. Snape stared daggers at him.

"Do you mean to tell me that not a single one of you imbeciles has ever used a Portkey before?" Snape demanded acidly, half-snarling.

"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKY FUCK!" Bree snarled animalistically at him, startling the man she had knocked down.

"Translation; no we have not." Malachi interpreted helpfully, before disappearing. The group took a moment to stabilize themselves, and to detach Lazarus from an over-friendly tentacle-creature.

"Well, that was fun." Bree said, with an amused smirk. A shivering Lazarus hissed incoherently at her, shuddering occasionally.

"Alright, we're here five bloody minutes, Holmes is forced into coitus with a Tentacula, Anderson topples a innocent bystander, and Emmerich has wandered off." Snape growled, looking murderous.

"I didn't wander off." an offended Malachi said, wandering out of nowhere.

"Where were you, then?" Snape demanded belligerently. Malachi pointed off to the left, at a flamboyantly colored shop, with a sign that read " **Weasely's Wizarding Wheezes!'**

"I found twin Gingers. They talked in unison at me." Malachi informed Bree and Lazarus happily.

"That sounds relevant to my interests." Lazarus murmured flirtaciously, with a sly smile. Bree elbowed him sharply, causing him to wheeze painfully.

"Shut the fuck up and follow me." Snape snarled. The trio shut up and began to follow the dour man.

*******an hour later*******

"Ollivanders, huh?" Bree murmured, staring at the old looking building.

"Indeed. Now come." Snape growled.

* * *

I'll save the wand shop for the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4: Weirdos and Wands

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters. Severus Snape,Ollivander.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

The shop was dusty, and badly lit by candles. There were patches where sunlight streamed down through windows, illuminating shelves upon shelves of dusty rectangular boxes.

"I am so lucky I did not inherit my dad's dust allergies." Bree observed, breathing through her mouth all the same. Malachi breathed in the dusty air, and smiled fondly.

"Reminds me of Egypt." He said simply, and Lazarus snorted.

"Reminds me of your grandmother." He snarked at Malachi, who promptly bitch-slapeed the smirk off his friend's face.

"You shut your whore face about my Grandma." Malachi told him calmly. Lazarus stared at him with wide eyes. Bree was watching the shadows suspiciously.

"I have been expecting you three.." A wispy, aged voice suddenly remarked, from behind Malachi and Lazarus, causing them to scream like 5 year old girls.

"These three moronic simpletons are in need of wands." Snape sneered acidly, crossing his arms. Bree looked Ollivander over slowly, eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"You're old." She said suddenly, tilting her head. Ollivander quirked a mysterious smile at her, and turned round, disappearing into the stacks.

"Where's...what? Where's he going?" Bree spluttered, annoyed.

"To get a wand, you dunderhead." Snape told her slowly, as if talking to a child. Bree made threatening gestures at him. Ollivander returned shortly, and held out a old, leather box.

"I think you'll find these three wands compatible, Mister Holmes, Mister Emmerich, Madam Anderson." He said smoothly, opening the lid with a flourish. The trio approached, and looked inside.

Inside the box lay three wands. The largest one was almost sinister in design, with what looked like Norse symbols carved into the light tan colored wood. There were lines that spun from the rounded base, that were ink black in coloration, and woven all the way around the wand, to the tip. Lazarus reached for it instinctively, and lifted it from the box. He shuddered, and bit his lip, as a rush of energy flooded through his body, and he waved the wand lightly. The shadows in the room seemed to visibly _pulse. _Ollivander smiled.

"9 inches, made from the supposed Laurel tree that was once the nymph Daphene, who spurned the god Apollo's affections. The core is a mixture of Leifiafold esscence, and Incubus blood. It is a wand that is good for some of the Darker magicks. " The old wizard said calmly. Lazarus paled slightly, and stepped back, wand in hand, staring at it.

Malachi stepped forward, inspecting the box. His sunset-colored eyes were drawn to the second largest wand, which was a light tan, similar in color to sand. Eygptian hieroglypics were carved into the wood, and the base of the wand was rounded off, and similar in shape to the upper part of an Ankh. He took in in hand, and his whole face lit up. He waved it, just like Lazarus, and a slight breeze wafted through the room, stirring up the dust, and creating almost a tiny duststorm. Ollivander practically grinned, clapping his hands together.

"8 and a half inches, made from the oldest Sycamore tree in Egypt, known as the Virgin Mary tree in Matarria. The core is a mixture of Eygptian Asp venom and a hair from one of the oldest Sphinxes alive. This wand would be quite suitable for curse-breaking and Necromancy." Ollivander proclaimed gleefully, with a grin. Malachi blinked, with a blank expression.

"How oddly specific." He muttered, taking a step back to stand by the still pale Lazarus. Bree stepped forward, and peered at the remaining wand. It was made of a very light colored wood, and unlike the other two wands, it was completely smooth of any symbols. The only oddity were the strange silver lines that ran throughout the wood. Bree picked it up, and twirled it in her hand, with a bored expression that soon dissolved, as a strange, heavy energy flooded the room. Lazarus and Malachi gained sleepy, almost stoned expressions. Snape and Ollivander twitched, and shivered.

"5 inches, made from the oldest tree in the world, called Old Tjikko, a Norweigan spruce. The core is a heartstring from a Silvarex dragon, a species long extinct, and said to be even more powerful then Norweigan Ridgebacks. Good for both Light and Dark spells." Ollivander said softly, staring at Bree. The petite blonde shrugged, and tucked the wand up her sleeve.

"How much for all three?" She asked bluntly. Ollivander blinked, and shook his head.

"50 galleons." was his reply. Bree turned to Snape, who groaned, and pulled out the bag of money that they had gotten from the Vault Dumbledore had gifted them with.

The trio exited the shop while Snape paid, each examining their wand with interest. So engrossed in their wands, that Bree once again smashed right into an innocent bystander.

"ARGH-Fuck I'm sorr-hey! You're the Amber Man!" Bree noted, with interest. The man blinked at her, and nodded, while Lazarus and Malachi just looked confused.

"Y-yes, I'm sorry, we seem to keep running into each other. I'm Remus Lupin." The man coughed, giving Bree a faint smile.

"I don't understand why he's an Amber Man." Lazarus said blankly. Bree rolled her eyes, and pulled Lupin over to Lazarus and Malachi.

"Look at his eyes!" She insisted. Her two obliged, leaning in, and invading Lupin's personal space.

"Ohhhh." They chorused, upon seeing his gold-flecked amber eyes. Lupin looked uncomfortable.

"Oi! Holmes, Anderson, Emmerich, what the bloody hell are you doing to Lupin?" Snape barked, from the doorway of Ollivander's. Three heads swiveled in unison to stare at him.

"You know Amber-Eyes?" The trio asked, once again in unison. Both Snape and Lupin shivered.

"Creepy." mumbled Lupin, backing away. Bree mouthed at him, 'You have no idea.'

"Right, now the last thing you morons need is clothes, correct? Madam Mal-" Snape began accidly, only to be interuppted by Bree's wand in his face.

"Hell to the fucking NO, Snape-man. We are going to get NORMAL CLOTHING. Not bathrobes." Bree chirped, a mock-sweet smile upon her face.

"Just agree, man, she's a woman, when it comes to clothes shopping, you better do what they say." Malachi advised the potions master wisely.

"Whatever he said, come on! Let's go, I need clothes pronto!" Lazarus barked, sliding his wand up his sleeve, and taking Lupin by the arm.

"Yer comin' too. Y'need clothes that aren't mostly holes." The emerald eyed man informed him, with a smirk. Lupin whimpered, as Malachi grabbed Snape by the shoulder, and Bree lead them all out of the alley, with a triumphant smirk.

* * *

Hehehehhehe. Shopping torture. Here's the trio's wands:

Lazarus' wand: 9' inches Laurel, Incubus blood and Lefiafold essence.

Malachi's wand: 8 ½ inches Sycamore wood from the Matarria tree, with Asp venom and Sphinx hair.

Bree's Wand: 5 inches, with wood from Old Tjikko tree, oldest tree in the world, with the blood of a Silvarex Dragon, the oldest and most powerful species of dragon, that has long been extinct.


	5. Chapter 5: Short Shopping shenanigans

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters. Severus Snape, Remus Lupin.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

"Are you two going to be done anytime soon? Because I think Bree coming out of the dressing room in Daisy Dukes broke Snape and Lupin." Malachi whined, with a petulant pout, as he watched over the two dumbstruck british wizards, who both were staring straight ahead, with wide, unblinking eyes. Bree's laughter echoed from the woman's dressing rooms.

"Almost done, Mal. Just making sure the stuff I got for you fits." Lazarus called, his voice sounding oddly alike Malachi's. The reason for such became clear, when he poked his head out, he was an exact duplicate of Malachi.

"Those shapeshifiting abilities really come in handy, huh?" Observed the original Malachi. Lazarus-as-Malachi grinned annoyingly at him, and ducked back into the changing booth. Bree ambled out of her dressing booth, clad in a simple body-hugging grey t-shirt, severely faded blue jeans, and simple black and white converse shoes. She carried a bundled up zip-up hoody under one arm, and slipped a shrunken bag of clothing into her pocket.

"That shirt is graaaaaaay." Malachi said simply. Bree nodded slowly.

"Yes. Yes it is, Malachi." She mock-simpered, as if talking to a child. Mal snrked at her, and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged helplessly, and leaned against him, crossing her arms.

"Laz, hurry your fruitastic ass up, I'm bored!" The petite blonde whinged, purposefully making her voice loud, painfully whiny, and annoying.

"Have Malachi sing something then!" Lazarus yelled, unphased by her bitchyness. Bree looked up at Mal. He shrugged.

"_Let me tell you about the sad man_," He began. Bree perked up, and chimed in,

"_Shut up and let me see your jazz hands_!"

"_Thought you was mad, man! And hit the party with a gas can! Kiss me, you anima_l!"The two sang loudly and proudly, with large grins. Snape and Lupin stared at them like they were insane.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm coming out." Lazarus growled, from inside the booth. Bree snorted, and Malachi clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Ssssshhhh. Sounds like someone's grumpy." He said quietly, sunset-colored eyes flickering to the men's dressing room. The echoing bang of one of the stall doors slamming open shattered the sudden silence, causing Malachi to flinch, and Bree to stifle a squeak of surprise. Lazarus swept out, clad in a black leather jacket, dark, weathered black jeans, and combat boots.

"Yes, very impressive, can we go now?" Bree drawled, unphased by Lazarus' sudden mood change. Mal muttered something about 'crazy bipolar people'.

"Fine. Lead the goddamn way." Lazarus hissed, an unpleasant glower upon his handsome face. Bree turned to Snape.

"Beam us away, Batman." She proclaimed drolly, cocking a hip to the side. Snape's mixed expression of hate and confusion was like candy for the trio, as he pulled out the book from earlier, and held it out. Malachi hugged a startled Lupin, before joining his friends in touching the book. And once more, the world blurred away...

* * *

Hey guys, Sorry for the lack of updates. Got addicted to Minecraft.


	6. Chapter 6: Touchy Feely time

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters. Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

"You know what, Bree? Sometimes...You are like a backpack capable of hate." Lazarus wheezed, flopping onto his back, and staring blankly up at the sky.

Bree laughed at him, from her perch upon the Whomping Willow. Malachi was in a similar state to Lazarus, face down, and merely a foot away from the emerald eyed brunette.

"You two are just fat an' outta shape. Plus that metaphor makes no goddamn sense." She said airily, with a casually dismissive wave of a hand.

The trio were outside, enjoying what could possibly be their last day to goof off, before the students arrived. They had spent many a day bugging the everloving fuck out of Snape, getting to know their fellow professors, exploring the massive castle, screwing around in the Forbidden Forest, and joy-riding on threstrals, giant spiders, and other such generally non-ridable creatures. Like Hagrid!

"I, am not, **FAT.**" Seethed Lazarus. Malachi snorted from his

"Of course you're not. You can't be fat if you never actually eat anything, or never even stop moving for one milisecond." Malachi said dryly. Lazarus spluttered incoherently, as Bree hopped down from the usually violent tree.

A strange wind suddenly struck up, causing the few, errant leaves around their feet to flutter gaily through the air. The trio watched intently, their heads cocking in unison.

"I hate to be the one to point it out, guys, but this little teaching adventure of ours, will most likely not end well." Bree said softly, her usual blank/irritated expression replaced with one of intense seriousness.

Malachi turned to her, his stoic silence questioning. Lazarus sighed quietly, getting to his feet. Bree turned to him.

"Laz, you've been spending a lot of time with Dumbledore, what've you got to report?" Lazarus grimaced, half-heartedly combing a hand through his chocolate brown curls.

" The old man isn't keen on revealing much, but using what subtle ability I have left, I've managed to get a better feel for the Magical world's Social, political, and economical current climate." he stated stiffly. Bree winced.

"That bad, huh?" she asked weakly. Lazarus massaged his temples wearily.

"You have, no idea. Seriously. It seems that the only thing that fuckin' matters to these wizards is how 'pure' your blood is, how rich you are, and how far your family tree can be traced back!" the emerald eyed man growled, with a half-snarl. Malachi blinked.

"Their whole society is based on breeding? I have Aspergers, but even I know that is a illogical lifestyle." He stated vacantly, cocking his head.

"Not quite sure about your choice in wording there, Mal, but I understand what you're getting at. And you're right." Bree sighed, leaning against him. He observed her carefully, before robotically extending an arm, and wrapping it around her. He was met with nods of approval, and let loose a tiny, half-smile.

"That's not the worst of it..." Laz admitted painfully, hanging his head. He was met with incredulous stares.

"Not only are they shallow as FUCK, but discrimination, hate crimes, arranged marriages, socially-backwards ideals, and corruption seem to be commonplace and even ACCEPTED! These pathetic, wand waving, arrogant, brainless magicians rely on magic for EVERY-FUCKING-THING THEY DO!" Lazarus practically bellowed, waving his hands about in wild, outraged gestures. Bree and Mal stared at him.

"Yooouu...reaally don't feel optimistic about this, do you? Laz, why didn't you say anything?" Bree demanded, storming towards him, and grabbing ahold of his forearms. Lazarus wilted, pressing his palms against his eyes, and heaving a groan.

"Because, I'm the fucking king of denial, Bree. I fooled myself into thinking that _maybe, just MAYBE,_ that things would be simple for us. I'm sorry I didn't say anything sooner." He said quietly, letting his hands fall to his sides. Bree looked up at him, silent, before gently pulling him into a hug. Malachi watched awkwardly.

"Laz, you never have to apologize to me. You know that." Bree chided quietly, her ethereal olive eyes meeting his emerald flux green. The bittersweet moment was broken by Malachi loping over, and engulfing them both in a very awkward hug. Lazarus sighed.

"Okay, I think that's enough touchy feely crap today." He said dryly.

"Yep."

"Uh-huh."

* * *

Okay, Sorry for the delay. Again, Minecraft, really addictive.


	7. Chapter 7: CHOO CHOO TIME :D

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, Hermione Granger.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

"-look, I'm telling you, I would love to wear a fedora, but I **_can't_**." Lazarus retorted firmly, striking up a casual pose against the wall.

"Why, did a Fedora kill your puppy? Jesus, Laz, it's a hat, what's stopping you?" Bree laughed, elbowing him sharply. Malachi stood by, rigidly observing their surroundings. The trio was currently loitering in the halls of a large, magenta train, called the Hogwarts Express. The headmaster had persuaded the trio into chaperoning the ride to Hogwarts, but had neglected to tell them **why** the ride needed chaperoning.

"Okay, look, of course, I _could_ wear a fedora. However!" Lazarus proclaimed, irritatedly, taking on a defensive posture. Bree cocked her head, and Mal's swiveled to watch him as well.

"I refuse to wear the Fedora, on terms of the fact that I cannot _**rock **_the fedora. The fedora is a hat, that can only _TRULY_ appreciated, if the person wearing it, can **rock it." **Lazarus said condescendingly, as if speaking to two five year olds. Bree and Mal stared at him.

"...WHAT?" Bree demanded, almost comically outraged. Malachi just started laughing.

"It makes sense if you think about it." Laz defended airily, with a smug smile, his emerald eyes _dancing_ annoyingly.

Bree spluttered incoherently, fists clenching and unclenching at her sides.

"Excuse me?" a young female voice said, effectively distracting Bree from her rage, Lazarus from his smugness, and Malachi from his giggle-fit. They turned to the source of the voice, finding it to be a 15 or 16 year old teenager, with incredibly bushy brown hair, and brown eyes.

"Sup, bushy?" Lazarus greeted blandly, with a cock of his head. The girl bristled at the remark, and Bree face-palmed, before slapping Lazarus around the back of the head.

"D'ya need something, is what this moron meant." Bree barked, in what she thought was a placating manner. It was not.

"Yes, um, I was wondering who the three of you were doing here? You're obviously too old to be students, and you're Americans to boot!" The girl demanded bossily, sticking her nose up haughtily.

"And what the fuck gives you the right to know?" Bree snapped, hackles rising. The girl drew back, her expression mixture of disgust, and astonishment.

"Oooh, kitty gawt claaaaaaawhhhhs." Malachi said calmly, with a cajun twang. Bree went 'tee-hee' at him. Laz chose to ignore his friends, and looked the bossy younger girl straight in the eyes.

"Look, kid, we're chaperones, making sure none of y'all kiddlets fuck shit up on th'way t'school, okay?" He drawled lazily, drawing a cigerette out of nowhere, taking it between his teeth, and lighting it with his wand. The girl gasped, horrified at him.

"You can't smoke in here!" She screeched, stomping her foot. Lazarus stared at her with a bored expression, taking a long drag from his cig.

"You can't make me give a fuck." He sing-songed, with a irritatingly charming grin. She went red, and stormed off. Lazarus watched her go, snickering.

"Ah, kiddlets. So fuckin' annoying. So much fun to drive batshit." He sighed, with a smirk.

"Amen t'that, bro." Mal bleated, putting his hand in Bree's face, and pushing her away. He yelped, a second later, and drew his hand back, which was sporting a brand new bite mark.

"Bitey bitch!" He whined, shaking his hand frantically. Bree's smug face said it all.

* * *

Okay, so if y'all already guessed, bossy teenager was Hermione. More train-ness next chapter. Sorry for the shortness, again. D:


	8. Chapter 8: The boy who bolted

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

* * *

"Oh my _**GOD HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING TRAIN RIDE.**_" Bree bellowed, slamming against the sole window of the empty compartment they had claimed, in a admirable impression of one of those window hanging things.

Malachi snored in response, from his position on the luggage rack. How he had fallen asleep there, remains a mystery. Lazarus lounged lazily on the seat across from Bree, hood up on his hooded trench coat, small tendrils of cigarette smoke trailing out from under his hood.

"Y'shoulda brought your Iphone, or something." He drawled sluggishly, the faint glow of his cig, and his bright emerald eyes twinkling from the darkness of his hood.

"Fuck off! Stupid ass Dumbledore wouldn't let me." Bree hissed, glowering over her shoulder.

"Why? I doubt the old man even knows what it is, nevertheless how distracted you are by it." Lazarus mused, head lulling back. Bree huffed, and flopped down.

"Christ, I take my eyes off you for one second, and you've managed to down half a bottle of scotch." She rumbled meanly, leaning back against her seat. Lazarus flipped his hood off, and stared reproachfully at her, eyes glinting, and he pulled out a flask, taking another swig. Bree let loose a quiet, hopeless sound, turning her eyes away. Lazarus flinched, and hastily put his cig out, and tucked the flask away. He sat up, his hood falling off in the process, and stood up.

"I'll go patrol the corridors." He muttered awkwardly, stumbling out of the compartment. Bree stayed silent, wrapping her hoody tighter around herself, and turning to stare out the window.

* * *

Lazarus fumbled down the train corridor, heaving a sigh, and rubbing his temples.

"Stupid...completely off my game...can't believe I was drinking in front of her.." He muttered, with a weary grimace.

"Don't you walk away from me, Potter!" A voice broke through the drunken haze clouding his mind, and he looked up. Two teen aged boys, one aristocratically pale and blonde with grey eyes, the other an unhealthy pale and brunette, with bright green eyes.

"Get away from me Malfoy!" The shorter boy snapped, shooting a glare over his shoulder, as he stormed away, and right smack into Lazarus. The boy's momentum caused the already unsteady and slightly drunk Lazarus to fall back, the boy landing atop him.

"UH." Lazarus blurted uncomfortably, eyes wide. The boy stared at him, eyes equally as wide.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" The blond snarled, an ugly look on his face. Lazarus blinked slowly, and carefully got to his feet, helping the brunette up.

"M' Lazarus. Chaperon. Wha's going on here, and what are yer names?" Laz said quietly, doing his best to look stern.

"Erm, I'm Harry Potter." The brunette stammered.

"Draco Malfoy." Sneered the blond, crossing his arms.

"Okay, obviously you were arguing, I honestly, do not give a flying fuck. Save your shitty snits for School, or summer, so I don't have to ground the fuck out of your asses, or whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do when you kidlets fuck up." Lazarus sighed, rubbing his forehead. Potter and Malfoy stared at him, with wide eyes.

"The fact that I have stopped talking means it's time for you two to fuck the hell off, separately." He grit out, with a glare. The boys eeped, and scrambled away in seperate directions.

Laz watched them go, with a scowl.

"I fuckin' _hate_ teenagers."

* * *

Okay, how's that kidlets?

Btw, As the story progresses, the crazy trio's darker sides will be revealed. Like how Lazarus is a drunken slut of a man, Bree is bipolar/ocd/adhd and somewhat sociopathic, and Malachi is just a creepy motherfucker with aspbergers.


	9. Ch9: Welcoming Feast and First day fun!

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, 5th year class.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: I are teh suck at large crowd scenes, so I apologize in advance if this chapter sucks.

* * *

The atmosphere of the Great Hall was warm, and welcoming, as the students of Hogwarts awaited Professor Dumbledore's annual speech, before the beginning of the Feast.

A great portion of the quiet chatter was about the three, young, and quite unfamiliar figures that sat at the table.

The older girls throughout the hall chattered excitedly, about the two handsome men, one with bizarrely colored eyes and a blank expression, and the other with chiseled features, and a haggard look.

The males in the hall differed in opinion on the petite blonde woman, most of the less mature and hormone-controlled boys stared openly, some even betting with each other that they could 'score' wither her. But the older, sensible boys of the hall were wary of her, saying she looked somewhat 'off in the head'.

"Welcome, once again, students, to the start of a new year!" Dumbledore greeted happily, spreading his arms.

A muttered voice from the three stranger's direction could be heard asking if Dumbledore meant to hug the entire hall in hello. The old headmaster ignored the comment, as a stifled yelp of pain came from their direction.

"We must tread carefully, this year, for not all is as it seems. Darkness hides in every corner, and danger lurks around every bend. Friends may become enemies, and enemies may become friends, in these trying times. Trust in your heart, for it will not lead you astray." The headmaster preached seriously, looking over the rims of his half moon glasses at the hall. The students shifted uneasily, a quiet murmur rippling through the hall.

"This year, I am pleased to welcome three new additions to our staff. Professors Lazarus Holmes, Bree Anderson, and Malachi Emmerich will be filling the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts together, and I am told that their lesson plans will be both greatly entertaining, as well as very educational." Dumbledore proclaimed happily, sending a smile the way of the trio in question. Malachi waved awkwardly, Bree scowled, and Lazarus' head thudded onto the table.

* * *

**/Next day, first class of the day, fifth year gryfindors and slytherins/**

* * *

The first thing the fifth years noticed, as they trailed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, was the decor, and the size.

For one, the classroom was three times bigger, and was seemingly split off into three sections.

The section closest to the door resembled a gym/martial arts dojo. Punching bags hovered in place, and the floor was replaced with dark blue matting. There were weapons like swords, staffs, daggers, and more modern weapons such as brass knuckles, nightsticks, baseball bats, and even a few pairs of boxing gloves. A sign above read '_Combat Dojo'._

The section next to that, looked like a dueling arena. Two sets of small bleachers sat on either sides of the ring, and large murals of spells, incantations, proper wand movements, and illustrated pictures of spell backfires adorned the walls. A sign on the wall read '_Dueling Arena_'.

The final section looked more like a common room then anything. Instead of desks, there were large plush bean bags, with pockets on the sides, and they lay in a circle, surrounding a comfy yet reasonable wooden stool. The usual stone floor was covered in what looked like plush blood red carpet. Laying on the stool was a long, wooden yard stick. Above the stool hung a sign that read; '_Lecture room.'_

The students stood near the door, all with expressions of varying degrees of confusion on their faces.

"You kidlets gonna block th'fucking door all day, or you gonna let us in?" drawled an unfamiliar voice, and the students all jumped in fright, turning round. The three professors stood behind them, and their attire caused most of the Slytherins and some of the more conservative Gryffindors to gasp.

"What? You ducklings never seen a t-shirt before?" Bree Anderson snapped, hands on her hips. She wore a simple white t-shirt, with the words '**I HATE EVERYONE' ** brazenly stamped across the front, faded black jeans, and black and white converse sneakers.

"Judging from what they're wearing, and the looks on their faces, I'd say no." Lazarus Holmes grunted, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wore a casual, dark blue jacket over a black tank-top, on top of dark blue jeans and combat boots.

"I think we broke them." Malachi Emmerich stated blandly, tucking a stray hair behind his ear. He wore a black t-shirt underneath a brown, leather fest, on top of tight black jeans, and what looked like the same combat boots as Lazarus.

"Alright, enough with the silent stupified faces, all of y'all get to the Lecture room," Lazarus ordered, pointing to said section of the classroom.

"We've got a lot to explain."

* * *

We'll get to the first class next chapter. If any of y'all care for fanart I did of this fic, check out my Deviantart account of the same name.

~Bobsyeruncle11


	10. Chapter 10: First Class Frightfest

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, 5th year class.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: Alright, first class, WOOO-MOTHERFUCKING-HOO.

* * *

As soon as each student was settled, Bree took the teacher's stool, snatching the yardstick, and resting it on the ground, like a makeshift cane. Lazarus took the oppertunity to hang up his jacket, and Malachi prowled around the the students, resembling a caged beast.

"Let's get something straight right away. Us three are new to your world." Bree began quietly, only to be interrupted by a familiar blonde teenager, clad in Slytherin house robes.

"New? Aha! I knew it, you three are just a bunch of mudblood fools hired by that old poofter Dumbledore!" Draco Malfoy sneered triumphantly, with a nasty grin.

"I'd bet a thousand galleons you morons don't even know how to use your bloody wands!" He shouted arrogantly, leering at Bree. She cocked her head.

"You misunderstand me. We're new to _your_ way of magic. Not to magic itself. And you are correct, I'm still not quite sure how to use my wand. But.." She mused offhandedly, sliding off the stool.

Her figure suddenly _blurred, _and both stool and yardstick clattered to the ground, and Mister Malfoy gasped, as he found himself facedown upon the ground, Bree's converse pressing down on the back of his neck, and an ominous metallic click echoing throughout the room.

"You see, Mister Malfoy, when I was sixteen years old, most of my immediate family and myself were experimented upon by our Government. We were meant to become perfect soldiers, with immovable loyalty towards our superiors. And do you know what, Mister Malfoy?" The volatile blonde purred, pressing what looked like a Beretta 92FS Inox handgun against the terrified pureblood's head.

"It backfired. Catastrophically. I could kill you 15 different ways with my hands alone, and you'd never even see me coming. Your way of Magic is outdated, and inefficient." She whispered calmly, her ethereal olive eyes glinting dangerously. Malfoy let out a terrified whimper in response.

"However, Professor Dumblemore has made it clear that we are not allowed to kill students." Bree pouted, removing her foot from Malfoy's neck, and ambling back to her stool. The pale pureblood shakingly returned to his beanbag, avoiding his fellow Slytherins eyes.

"Now, if I may?" Bree asked calmly, righting the fallen stool, and picking up the yardstick. The students stared at her, visibly stunned. Malachi chuckled, continuing to stalk around the room. Lazarus grinned smugly, from his position against the wall.

"As I was saying. We're new to your way of magic, but as far as we understand it, your world is on the verge of War, and possibly on the verge of collapsing in on itself. So-called 'Dark Lords' rise almost every few decades, and it seems that bigotry, racism, sexism, and plain laziness are the cause of your society's decay. Over the course of this year, our goal is to tear you down, and build you back up better, stronger, and more powerful then ever before." Bree stated, a hard edge entering her voice. A familiar bushy haired girl raised her hand, with a haughty look on her face.

Bree pointed the yardstick at her, sliding her legs up and folding them beneath her on the stool.

"Ask away, miss?" The girl sniffed, and stood up.

"Hermione Granger, Professor. I'm sorry, but this is a school, not a boot camp! Plus, you yourself admitted you're new to the Wizarding world, so what gives you the right to judge us?" The girl protested, an unpleasant whine to her voice. Lazarus burst into giggles from his corner, drawing the attention of the class.

"It's simple, Hermaphrodite. All of you have been taught to have blinders over your eyes, babied, and coddled by your parents, and other such adults. I mean, seriously, you're all fucking blind, or logic-deficient if you can't see what's going on around you!" He barked, with a hysterical cackle. Bree walked over, and smacked him with the yardstick, then returned to her stool.

"While insulting and rude, the basic gist of what is said is true. If you wish to remain blind, that's your choice. But we aim to show you another way of looking at the world. Also, 100 points from Slytherin for your sexual, racial, and demeaning slurs, Mister Malfoy. We do _**not allow bigotry in this classroom.**_" She chirped, with a menacing smile.

"10 points from Gryffindor for being rude to a teacher, miss Granger." Lazarus grumbled, rubbing his face where he had been smacked by the Yardstick of PAIN. Granger looked outraged.

"Now, the classroom has been divided into three sections because each class will be different. Malachi will be in charge of the nonmagical combat portion of the class, which will take place in the Combat dojo. I will be in charge of the magicial combat portion, which will be in the Dueling Arena. And Lazarus will be in charge of the Lecture portion of the class, which obviously will take place in the Lecture room." Bree explained, with a grin. A Gryffindor with black hair and green eyes raised his hand, and Bree pointed the yardstick at him.

"Yes, Mister...?"

"Erm, Potter, professor." The boy stammered, standing up. Bree nodded at him, and motioned for him to go on.

"Do you believe that Voldemort has returned?" He asked, causing most of the class to flinch, gasp, and whimper. Bree, Malachi, and Lazarus stared at him.

"Well, yeah, w'do. The guy's a giant fucking lighthouse, it's impossible to not notice someone of his power being around." Lazarus said dryly, snorting.

Clearly, Potter did not expect them to believe him, as he gained a stupified yet relieved look.

Suddenly, the bell broke the silence, and jerked the students out of their stupors.

"Next Class, be prepared for a test of your combat skills. Now geddafuckoutta here." Malachi informed them blandly, with a smirk. The students fled the room like a herd of startled geese.

As soon as the last student had left the room, the trio burst into laughter.

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BOUGHT YOUR STORY!" Lazarus yowled, flopping onto a beanbag and wiggling in delight.

"I KNOW! Oh god, the look on Malfoy's face, I nearly doubled over right there! What a pansy!" Bree cackled, with a cheshire cat smile. Malachi merely laughed, a grin lighting up his face.

"They're so gullible, it's unbelievable." He chuckled, running a hand through his hair. Bree continud to cackle, as Lazarus flopped lazily about in his beanbag.

"I can't wait for the next class..." Lazarus purred maniacally, a demented smile gracing his handsome face.

* * *

NYAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA. A little Malfoy whumpage, a litte Granger bashing, it's alll good in the hood, my little penguins. Next chapter will be about the fallout from this first class, ehehhehehe..


	11. C11:Fallout, and the black horde of cute

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters,

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: Alright, hollly shit, a lot of crap happens this chapter.

* * *

"ANDERSON!" The dulcet tones of one Severus Snape yanked one Bree Anderson from her comfy daze in one of the many sunny alcoves of Hogwarts.

"Nuh-?" She bleated, rubbing her eyes childishly, and blinking up in an owlish manner at the enraged Potions Professor.

Snape stared down at her, one hand raised in a fist, seemingly dumbstruck.

"...Wat?" Bree asked, confused and sleepy.

"...You took a great amount of points from my house. Why?" Snape eventually said, seemingly shaking himself from his daze. Bree yawned, and stretched lightly, her hands flopping into her lap.

"Draco Malfoy is an obnoxious shit who belittled me with very potent words. I reprimanded him, albeit a bit more violently then I should have, but he angered me, so...Nyeh." Bree stated in a matter-of-fact sort of tone.

"That's all you have to say? You took a hundred points for disrespect?" Snape boomed, baring his teeth in a snarl.  
Bree rumbled back, wholly un-intimidated by the man.

"The little shit had the gall to throw out racial, sexual, and insulting slurs in front of a teacher!" She screeched back.

The two were interrupted by a bark. Bree looked intrigued, and looked around for the potentially cute source of the sound.

Which, coincidently, was a horde of Scottish terrier puppies scampering down the hall towards the two.  
Snape stared. Bree looked delighted.  
Lazarus abruptly veered around the corner, galloping after the black horde of cute.

"Ohai, don't touch, they eat people, bai!" Lazarus greeted, chasing the horde past Bree and Snape.

"D'aaaaw! Those were probably the cutest people eating puppies I've ever seen!" Bree squealed, spasming in joy.  
Snap face-palmed.

* * *

_***elsewhere***_

* * *

Malachi stared blankly around, as he walked the halls of Hogwarts, alone, students walking to and fro from there classes.  
He could hear them whispering behind his back, and sped up to a brisk stroll, a alien feeling of uncomfort filling his body.

Soon, he found himself in the Great Hall, where many of the students were relaxing, doing homework, and chatting with friends.  
He found an empty table, and sat down, looking about.  
"Professor Emmerich?" a voice suddenly said, from behind him. Malachi stiffened, and turned about.

"Yes, mister..?" he replied awkwardly, staring.

"Harry Potter, Sir." the boy supplied. Malachi looked him over, with a critical eye.

"You're malnourished, and your growth is visibly stunted." He stated, tilting his head. Potter looked alarmed, and confused.

Malachi blinked, and bowed his head in apology.

"Forgive me, social interaction is not my best skill." He muttered, and Potter blinked, before shrugging it off.

"Professor, yesterday, you and professors Anderson and Holmes said Voldemort was like a lighthouse, that he's impossible to miss... What does that mean?" Potter asked seriously, a frown on his youthful face.  
Malachi leaned back against the table, tilting his head once more, as he rested his elbows on the wood surface.

"You're smarter then the average bear, aren't you mister Potter ?" He said softly, with an odd smile.  
Potter blushed, and scratched the back of his head.  
Malachi got to his feet, with a sort of deadly grace, and prowled towards the door.

"Walk with me, Mister Potter." he called after lazily, and the boy wizard scrambled after him.  
The two walked for sone time, until they found themselves in a sunny, secluded nook of the castle.  
Malachi immediately found the warmest patch, and draped himself across it lazily. Potter choose to sit on the bench.

"Er...professor-" Potter began, and Malachi cut him off with a petulant whine.

"Ehhhhh! Only 22 here, not old. Ennnnough with the professor!" he whinged, pouting atrociously, startling a laugh out of the teen.

"Okay...'Malachi'."

Malachi gave Harry a small grin of approval.

"Cool. Also, call Bree May Hamm next time you see her. It'll be funny." he snickered, with a odd grin.  
Harry decided not to ask, and pressed forward.

"Malachi, um...there's something wrong with you, isn't there?" Harry asked tentatively. The older man stiffened, and gazed at the boy wizard contemplatively.

"Sharper then others, as well, Harry. You're correct, I am technically mentally handicapped. I have a minor lesser known version of Aspergers Syndrome." Malachi stated softly, looking down at his clasped hands.

Harry looked stunned.

"Bloody hell, I'm so sorry. Where I grew up, there was a bloke with Asperger's down the street, and the whole neighbourhood hated him..." The boy confessed, looking at Malachi in pity. Malachi gave him a blank smile.

"Thank you for your empathy, but my disorder is less...severe then normal Asperger's. I can feel most emotions, to an extent. Back home, Lazarus' grandfather was working with my grand uncle Tony on a drug that could help alleviate my symptoms." He told Harry quietly, sitting up straight, and folding his hands in his lap.

The two sat in an awkward silence, Malachi staring into space, while Harry fidgeted uncomfortably.  
The sudden ring of the end of lunch bell snapped Harry out of his silence.

"Oh! I'm gonna be late, shite, see you later Professor!" the teen shouted, jumping to his feet, and rushing off. Mal watched him go, bemused.

"Huh." he murmured.

* * *

afj;ghasjglashg I'MSORRYYYY. Minecraft, Real life, and other shit have kept me from uploading, but I'M WORKIN ON THE STORY kind of so here's a chapter and things GAH.


	12. Chapter 12: Aurors and Off key singing

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters,

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: Alright, hollly shit, a lot of crap happens this chapter.

* * *

"_If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance,_  
_And I'll be dancin' with myself!_  
_Oh oh. Dancing a-with myself,_  
_Oh, oh, dancing with myself.._." Sang one shirtless and sockless Lazarus Holmes, as he danced around the quarters he shared with Bree and Malachi.

"_Well, there's nothing to lose,_  
_And there's nothing to prove, well,_  
_Dancing a-with myself,_  
_Oh, oh, oh!_  
_Oh, oh oh oh, oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh_!" Laz crooned, shaking his hips like a belly-dancer.

A startled cough snapped him out of his little moment, and he looked up, only to find one dumbstruck Albus Dumbledore, one stunned Severus Snape, one amused Remus Lupin, and a nervous looking man in a bowler hat, accompanied by a squad of tough looking men.

Silence reigned for a second, before Lazarus screamed girlishly, hands attempting to cover his naked chest.

"Um, Mister Holmes... what exactly are you covering up?" Dumbledore said slowly, and Lazarus blinked.

"Good point." He conceded, letting his hands fall to his hips. He had nothing to hide, he was in rather good shape.

"Is that a...Tattoo?" one of the tough looking men said dumbly, staring at Laz' navel.

"None of ya damn business. Anyone wanna fill me in on why y'all are here?" Laz drawled impatiently, discreetly shifting his hip riding jeans a bit higher.  
Dumbledore blinked, and snapped of his daze.

"Yes, my apologies Lazarus. This is the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge. He has deemed it fit to 'inspect' you and your compatriots quarters." The oldest man in the room explained, with an unhappy sigh.

"Why?" Lazarus asked, narrowing his greener then green eyes.

"W-well we have to be careful nowadays, mister House! All sorts of dark wizards running about, can't have them in the schools, you see!" Fudge stuttered pathetically, in a failure of an attempt to look in charge.  
Lazarus violently resisted the urge to scream 'BOO!' in the fat little coward's face.

"Seeing as I obviously don't have much of a god damn choice here, go ahead fellas, search the damn place." He growled, glowering at the weak little man and his bodyguards.  
He stepped back, as the squad of men began to search the rooms, Dumbledore and Lupin walking over to him.

"I'm sorry about this, Lazarus, Cornelius and his Aurors surprised me as I was meeting with Remus." The elderly wizard murmured unhappily.  
Lazarus sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"S'nothing you coulda done, Al, I was kinda expectin' yer local government to come around." He said quietly, resigned.

"WATTHAFACK!" screamed Bree's voice, as the petite blonde chased a 6'7 man out of her room, clad in a low-cut red v-shirt, and dark blue sweatpants.

Lazarus cracked up at the sight, Albus hid a smile, Remus chuckled, and even Snape looked amused.

"Who tha fuck are these clowns?" The furious girl snarled, whirling on Laz.

"Magic Cops." he replied blithely. Bree blinked.

"Th'fuck are magic cops doing in my bedroom?"

"I dunno."

"Can I speak to the person who DOES?"

"No, but you can make an appointment." quipped Laz.  
Bree made a face at him.

"Har-de-har-har. I'm gonna go lock my door." She sneered, storming back into her room.

"Miss, we have to-" one of the Aurors tried, only to jump back in terror, when Bree roared at him,

"FUCK OFF!"

Lazarus laughed at the terrified Auror, causing Fudge to glower at him pathetically.

"B'aaaa-debeta deba tebaaaa!" sang Malachi, as he walked in.

"The hell are you singing?" Lazarus asked, a mixture of amusement and confusion.

"Kiss by a Rose. Duh." The vaguely taller brunette replied easily.

"I only vaguely heard that, and even I know that didn't sound shit like Kiss by a Rose!" Bree yelled from inside her room.  
Malachi pouted, and went to sulk on the couch, but was accosted by a tall, bald black auror.

"Hi." Malachi said simply, staring up at him. The man looked nervous.

"Could I speak to you privately, mister...?" The man asked, a tad shakily.  
Malachi blinked.

"Emmerich, Malachi Emmerich. And sure?" Mal replied, visibly bemused, leading the auror into his bedroom.  
Lazarus catcalled after them, with a leer. Malachi threw a shoe at his smirking face.

Lazarus peeled the shoe off his face with a grimace, and turned back to Dumbledore, Lupin, Snape, and Fudge, three of which looking very amused.

"Soooo, what brings the Amber man to Hogwarts?" Lazarus asked, a bit flirtatiously at Remus.  
The man went red.  
"Um." He replied, awkwardly.

"Remus was the Defense professor two years ago, and I always like to keep in touch with former colleagues." Albus said cheerfully, his eyes twinkling behind his half moon spectacles.  
Laz contemplated the headmaster, with narrowed eyes.

"Nice to know how much I can trust you, Dumbledore." he said quietly. Dumbledore's eyes widened minutely at having been caught in a lie.

"Alright, we're done." One of the Aurors announced, just as Malachi wandered out of his room, with the tall Auror on his heels.

"Do we pass inspection, mister Minister?" Lazarus drawled, with a condescending look aimed at Fudge.  
Fudge nodded stiffly, and turned on his heel, stomping out with his herd of Aurors.

"I think you three should follow in their footsteps." Laz said quietly, turning his back on Dumbledore, Snape, and Lupin. The trio's hesitant footsteps echoed away, and out the door.

* * *

Another short one for y'all. LAZARUS STOP BEING SO PMS-Y AND MOOD FLUCTUATEY. NAO.


	13. Ch13: Knowledge is a dangerous thing

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, Fifth year gryffindors and slytherins, Snape.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: Okay, Laz gets to teach todaaaaay.

To the few who reviewed: Thanks! I hope you're enjoying the story. Also, I was thinking for Halloween, maybe doing something Rocky Horror Picture Show related. Whatever. Enjoy.

* * *

"Nicely done guilt trip there, Laz." Malachi hummed, wandering towards the small kitchen area they had begged Mimsy for.  
Lazarus smirked darkly, prowling after him.

"Thank you, I'm remotely proud of that particular one as well." He chuckled, leaning against one of the black granite counters, and crossing his arms.

"So, what did you and Mister Auror talk about?"  
He asked lazily, snatching a ice cream sandwich out of Malachi's hands, making the taller one scowl and swing at him.

"Mister Auror's name is Kingsley Shacklebolt, and he is of Egyptian heritage, apparently." Mal murmured, settling his sunset colored eyes on his friend.  
The emerald eyed man's eyebrows shot upwards, in surprise.  
"Oh. OH! Ok, um, wow. Sooo..." He coughed, scratching the back of his head.

"Caaalm yo tits, Laz. Like I said. Egyptian heritage. He understood the consequences of him spreading his newfound knowledge pretty damn easily." Mal hummed, brewing a cup of herbal tea.

"Your weird charm strikes again, huh? Just like that one time with those bible humpers." Laz snorted, happily nomming on his delicious sandwich treat.  
Mal did a spit-take, a startled laugh erupting from him.

"And here I thought they were Bible thumpers." He giggled, coughing a bit, and thumping his chest.  
The two looked up, as Bree poked her head out of her door.

"What'd I miss? What's the funny?" the petite blonde queried, ambling over.

"Masturbation involving bibles." Laz replied casually.  
Bree made an abrupt turn, and headed back to her room.

"It's not what you think, Bree." Malachi called after her half-heartedly, still grinning.

"I don't want to know!" she called back, closing her door.  
Mal snorts, and his head lulls to the side, as he turns his eyes back onto Laz.

"So, you figure out what yer gonna be lecturing about to the midgets next class? I wanna wait to kick their asses until you've thoroughly mindfucked them. "  
He asked lazily.  
Lazarus looked up at him, with a smirk.

"Oh, just you wait. I've got a lovely little mind-shattering speech planned. You just think about ways to kick each and every kid's ass."  
He giggled darkly, a violent sort of joy glimmering behind his emerald eyes.  
Malachi grinned in a sharklike manner in reply.

* * *

-  
The fifth year Gryffindors and Slytherins cautiously edged into the DADA classroom. Professors Anderson and Emmerich were nowhere to be seen, but Professor Holmes was in the Lecture Room, setting what looked like a 4 screened-projector up in the middle of the room.  
He looked up, and gave the fifth years an annoyed look, as if to ask what they were waiting for. The teenagers promptly jostled and scrambled to the Lecture room, the Gryffindors taking the right side of the room, and the Slytherins the left.

"Now, today, kids, is gonna be a lecture day, obviously." The curly brunette began roughly, taking on an almost militaristic stance.

"Today, we're going to talk about the one thing each and every single one of you have in common. Raise your hand if you know what I mean." He said smoothly, with a small smirk.

Hermione Granger's hand shot up, and Lazarus pointed at her.

"Shoot, Granger." the bushy haired teen sat up straighter, and proclaimed,

"We're all magical!" Lazarus face-palmed, and shook his head.

"Not what I was asking for. How about you, Mister..." he groaned,before nodding at a shy, slightly pudgy-faced boy.

"Neville Longbottom, sir. Um...we're all human?" the youth stuttered, flushing.  
Lazarus grinned from ear to eat, and clapped his hands together, sending a thumbs up the boys way.

"EXACTLY! Nice job Neville, 5 points to Gryffindor!" he praised, beaming at him. Neville looked dumbstruck, and Granger looked outraged.

"Each and every one of you is human, or humanoid. Whether you have magic, or are born without, whether you occasionally turn into a werewolf, drink blood, or feed on orgasmic energy, you still have a heart, a brain, 10 fingers and toes, and etc!"  
Lazarus boomed passionately, hands waving and gesturing wildly.

"That is a load of bull! We are wizards! We're far superior to half breeds and muggles!" Draco Malfoy shouted arrogantly, with his atypical sneer.  
Lazarus turned to him with such a look of condescending scorn that the pale boy flushed pink in fury.

"You, are a pureblood, am I right? It would explain your lack of tact, and general brainless-ness. I'm surprised you don't have extra fingers and crossed eyes." The older man drawled patronizingly, immensely enjoying the way the blonde brat's eyes bugged out in stunned outrage.

"Let me make things simple for all you pureblood inbred and ignorant children. How many wizards are there in the world? Maybe 50,000? 85,000?"  
Lazarus gave the entire class a look.

"Do you know how outnumbered Wizards and witches are?  
The world population is currently estimated to be 6.93 billion, and it's growing every single. Fucking. Day. 6.93 billion minus 80 000 equals six billion nine hundred twenty-nine million nine hundred twenty thousand."  
He paused, letting the logic sink into the few who actually understood.

"For those who didn't understand a word I just said, let me make it brain meltingly simple for you. You wizards are incredibly, insurmountably, outnumbered. All the magic and all the spells in the world can't save you from a predator missile, or an atomic bomb." He told them firmly, with a dead serious expression.

The frightened and confused silence brought a cruel joy to the man, making him bare his teeth in a violent grin, as he flicked the projector into life.

"What I'm about to show you is footage of what an Atomic bomb can do, and what various muggle weapons can do.." he said quietly, striding over to one wall, and with a wave of his wand, the room went dark.

The screens lit up, and showed a small town, in the middle of a desert. The camera flickered, then was inside the town, showing smiling mannequins in place of real people, a male one mowing a lawn, child mannequins in play, a female with a tray of lemonade.

The screen flickered, then showed the town at a distance. Ten seconds later, something fell from the sky, falling somewhere within the town.

The screens went blindingly white.  
When it faded, a slowly ascending rumble echoed throughout the room, as a massive mushroom shaped pillar of cloud rose up.  
The noise grew to a roar, as a shockwave hit the camera, cracking the lens, and throwing it to the ground.  
The screen went black, with static.  
30 seconds passed.  
Then, the screens lit up, showing men in radiation suits, approaching a crater.  
Only, it's not a crater, the fifth years realise, with dawning horror.  
It's the town. And it is gone.  
The houses are nothing but empty shells, utterly demolished. Fragments of cars litter the streets.  
Occasionally, there are charred bits of mannequins.  
The camera focuses in on the burnt, half destroyed face of a child mannequin, its unseeing, remaining eye brought into sharp light.  
The footage cut out there, for a mere moment, then the screens lit up once more, this time showing a more recent clip, the time date reading 2005.  
Men in American army fatigues come into view, carrying intimidating looking weapons.

One, a blonde with golden eyes and handsome features, lifts up a large, tubular weapon, aiming for a human shaped target a few yards away.

"Test fire for RPG-32 Hashim launcher." the blonde man laughed, preparing to fire.  
The launcher's nozzle opens, and a rocket blasts out of the weapon, spiraling through the air, and upon impact with the target, explodes violently.  
Most of the class gasp, mostly the pureblood and halfbloods.

The men on screen cheer, the blonde receiving many high fives. Next, a brunette with pale skin, crimson brown eyes, and roguishly handsome features steps forward, a 44 desert eagle held in his hands.

"Desert Eagle accuracy test." he grins, with a maniacal fervor. He aims at a target 3 yards away, and fires. The target flies back, most of it's head destroyed.  
The group of men whooped, as the film abruptly cut off.

The candles in the room flickered into life, as Lazarus strode forward, banishing the screens, and wheeling the projector away.  
The class was utterly silent.

"What you have seen is barely a thousandth of how dangerous non-magical artillery can be." He told the softly, a dark gleam in his greener then green eyes.

"That... Atomic bun, only the Yanks have it?" asked a gangly stupid looking redhead.  
Lazarus turned in his direction, and repressed the urge to ask him if he had a soul.

"No, almost every geopolitical power has a number of Nuclear arms. America, England, China, Russia..." He corrected, crossing his arms.  
The class went silent once more.  
Laz took the opportunity to perch upon the teaching stool.

"Strange, isn't it? You're all speechless. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing-" His speech was cut off by the ring of a bell.

"Alright, next class dress in comfortable clothes you can move around in, Cause Malachi's gonna be kicking your asses. Next time I teach, we'll delve into power, and I'll show you the footage of the day Mankind stepped foot on the moon! Now scram!" Lazarus hollered, as the fifth years stumbled to their feet, dashing for the door.

"Oh, and 10 points from Slytherin, Mister Malfoy, for disrespecting a teacher." he added, in a sing song voice, annoyingly amused at the horrified and outraged looks on the Slytherin's face.

* * *

As the last of the fifth years trailed out, Bree ambled in, out of nowhere, singing.

"_Loving you isn't the right thing to do,_  
_How can I, ever change things that I feel?_  
_If I could, maybe I'd give you my world_  
_How can I, when you won't take it from me?_" She sang, dressed in a long white tshirt that read, 'Who the F&$ is Chanel?', and black slim slacks, along with her trademark black converse.

Lazarus grinned at her, and the two burst into song, skipping down the halls like children,

"_You can go your own way, go your own way!_  
_You can call it another lonely day!_  
_You can go your own way, go your own way_ !" The duo crooned, Lazarus twirling Bree about in a rather derptastic version of a waltz, much to the amusement of passerby students.

"What, in Merlin's name, are you two doing?" Came the acidly condescending growl of one Professor Snape.

Lazarus bounced over to the dour potions master, with a grin far too maniacal for Snape's liking.

"It's called having fun, Snapple! Something that I'm sure you haven't experienced before, much like sex!" The bouncy brunette babbled, invading the now outraged older man's personal space.

"You impudent little shi-" Snape snarled, baring his teeth.

"Ha, there's nothing 'little' about me, Snoopy." The green eyed man purred, grabbing Snape by the waist, and twirling him around in circles.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME HOLMES!" Snape roared, swinging a punch at the laughing brunette, who danced out of his reach.

"Can't catch me, snoopy!" Lazarus taunted, bouncing away down the halls. Snape followed, snarling. Bree watched them go, snickering.

"Good ol' Laz. Never knows when to stop." She giggled.

* * *

Here, we got a taste of the trio's teaching skills.


	14. Chapter 14: Hogsmeade is invaded

Title: Harry Potter and the year of the Deity

Warnings: Profanity, occasional violence, adult themes. Potential homosexual content in the future.

Pairings: None currently, there may be some in the future.

Characters in this chapter: Original Characters, Hagrid, McGonagall, Dumbledore.

Notes: This fic will ignore OOTP, HBP, and DH. Sirius will not die by Curtain in this universe.

Don't own Harry Potter, the crazy trio are mine, and don't own anything you recognize.

Note: People will die this chapter.

* * *

Bree was still laughing softly an hour later, albeit under her breath, when she entered the small village of Hogsmeade.

She had stopped at her quarters to change into a black blazer, a plain grey shirt, faded dark grey jeans, and an eccentrically long faded rainbow scarf, wrapped around her neck.

She garnered a few looks from the villagers, as she ambled aimlessly about, stopping to peer at the windows of shops.

"Professar Anderson!" a friendly voice boomed, and Bree turned round.

"Rubeus! Hi!" she chirped, smiling up at the living tank that was Hagrid.  
He beamed back, clapping a giant hand upon her shoulder, a move that would have buckled many, but Bree stood unaffected.

"Tha's quite a lovely scarf ya got thare, prof!" he complimented honestly, his beady black eyes warm and friendly. Bree's smile widened, and she absentmindedly placed a hand on it.

"Call me Bree, Rue. And thank you, it was a gift from my husband." she murmured fondly, playing with the ends.

"Where is yer husband, Bree? If ya don't mind me askin'." Hagrid asked, walking beside her.  
Bree's smile turned sad.

"He's back home. Laz, Mal, and I are stuck here for an unknown amount of time. I managed to call him once, but not for long. I...miss him more then I show." she explained softly, hand fiddling with the fraying ends of her scarf.

"Ah, Merlin, I'm sorry to bring it up, then. He sounds like a nice bloke." Hagrid blustered in apology, scratching the back of his head.  
Bree shook her head,  
" No, it's okay. And he is a great man. I must have done something good in a past life, to have ended up with a man like him." Bree murmured humbly, smiling faintly.

The two were interrupted by a sudden explosion, one of the stores shooting out glass, flame, and a few random objects, as a group of black cloaked masked figures appeared.

"Bloody hell! Death Eaters!" Hagrid bellowed, and Bree's eyes narrowed, the blonde pulling out her sidearm, her instincts kicking in. She watched as one of the Death Eaters sent a bright green spell at a terrified villager, and that villager crumbled to the ground, deathly still.

"Hagrid, help people evacuate the town." she said softly, ducking into an alley.

She looked around, and conjured a ladder to the roof, quickly scampering up, and finding a good vantage point. She drew her wand, and transformed her pistol into a 7.62x51mm M40 sniper rifle, and setting it up.

Glancing through the scope, she lined up her sights on the lead figure, a woman from the tell tale body shape, and zeroed in upon her head.

"Dormire per sempre." Bree whispered, finger pressing down on the trigger.

The woman's head exploded in a mass of gore, blood, and brain tissue.  
The meaty thud of her body hitting the floor, echoed throughout the suddenly silent village.  
Bree allowed a brief smile, before aiming for the next Death Eater.

The Death Eaters started to scatter, panicky, as one by one their ranks fell to the ground, dead, until they disapparated away.  
Bree grinned quietly, and shouldered her rifle, scrambling down the ladder, and walking into the streets.

-soon-  
"Nice, fucking, work! Seriously, I am simultaneously amazed and so fucking proud of you right now, you don't even know!" Lazarus gushed, fawning over a glowing Bree.  
Malachi just looked like a proud parent, standing at Bree's side.

Albus, Hagrid, and Minerva were of different opinions.  
Albus looked gravely horrified.  
Minerva looked like she understood, but still disapproved.  
Hagrid just looked awed.

"Miss Anderson, I still don't understand, how could you take the lives of those Death Eaters so easily?" Dumbledore asked seriously, with a grave expression.

"It was combat." Bree said simply.

"What?" Dumbledore blustered.

"It. Was. Combat. Simple as that." Bree repeated easily.

"She just did what any trained sniper would do. Snipe." Malachi chimed in, with a weird smirky-grin.

"Mrs. Anderson, you're a trained sniper? My word, but you're still just a teenager!" McGonagall whispered, stunned.

"I had an interesting upbringing," Bree quipped, with a small grin.  
"And thank you for remembering that I'm a Mrs, not a Miss, Professor McGonagall."

"The point you wizards three seem to be forgetting is that, by doing what she did, Bree saved LIVES." Lazarus interjected casually, with a scowl.

"The fact that you can't get off your fucking pedestal for one damn second to see that, is quite frankly, disturbing." He hissed, stalking forward, his movements reminiscent of a feral panther.  
Dumbledore's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Mister Holmes, that is enough!  
The three of you are to return to your quarters IMMEDIATELY, while we clean up the mess you have created!" Dumbledore boomed, jumping to his feet.

Bree sneered at him, and led Malachi and Lazarus out by the sleeves.

"You're going about this all the wrong way, Albus." Minerva said quietly, turning to the irate headmaster.

"I cannot help myself, Minerva. The three of them, they seem to just know how to raise my ire." The fuming old wizard growled, collapsing back into his chair.

* * *

Yep, Bree's a trained Sniper. Iiiiiiiff you guys think I lept into Combat too early, well, too bad. The story goes where it wants.


End file.
